It'll keep you warm

RoXyAnGeL: i can't get the heat to turn on
it's freezing
me: it's okay
you'll be warmed by the silent glow of burning corpses once you move into the mansion
RoXyAnGeL: well that doesn't help me now, does it
me: no, no it doesn't
just go burn a burrito in the microwave or something
and stick that in your pants
RoXyAnGeL: that's not very good advice

Tangent #2

me: k Jason eats lunch now
considers buying last minute plane ticket to Andy Reid's house
knocks on door dressed up as girl scout to sell cookies
Andy Reid orders THREE HUNDRED boxes
Jason opens up order form to reveal super charged taser
blasts Andy Reid with 1400 volts of electricity
chuckles to himself over symbolic demise, due to loss at San Diego Chargers
leaves house
enjoys 300 boxes of cookies, courtesy of Andy Reid
gains SERIOUS weight
becomes the NEW Andy Reid
coaches Eagles to superbowl victory
is praised for symbolic, hilarious efforts
retires

Best gift ever

[14:54] RoXyAnGeL: do you have any ideas for moms birthday?
[14:54] jktangent: the biggest, most awesome pile of rocks ever
[14:54] jktangent: what do you think?
[14:55] RoXyAnGeL: hahaha
[14:55] RoXyAnGeL: i just imagined a dump truck with a bow on it driving up to the house and dumping a pile of rocks on the lawn
[14:55] jktangent: hahahahahaha
[14:56] RoXyAnGeL: happy birthday!

What else can you do at a Lakers game?

Kyle: so i've been doing some thinking, and i've decided that i'm going to punch jack nicholson in the face tonight
me: hahaha
I'd like to know the thought process behind this
i was thinking about his movies. the shining= awesome, batman= awesome, and so on....
then i started thinking about As Good As It Gets
and was immediately filled with murderous rage
me: well how close are you guys at the game?
are you within arms reach of Jack?
Kyle: no we are in the upper level
its good tho cause he wont know its coming
me: So I can expect you naked on national television tonight
punching Jack Nicholson in the face
Kyle: it would never happen that way
i hate bare feet - i would have my socks on, making me not entirely naked
and i'm wearing a hat
me: hahaha

Future Wife's Ring Broke

[12:49] thefool: i actually stole the real ring and replaced it with a fake
[12:50] jktangent: I just bought a plane ticket to Boston to murder you
[12:50] jktangent: please stay where you are
[12:50] thefool: can i go home?
[12:50] jktangent: yea, that's fine
[12:51] jktangent: just don't leave boston
[12:51] jktangent: because you know, that'd be like a huge waste of money on my part
[12:51] thefool: fair enough

House Warming

[11:13] jktangent: congrats on the house, dude! that is awesome
[11:13] jktangent: 12 bedroom mansion or what?
[11:14] Guido: 4 bedroom 2.5 bath
[11:14] jktangent: nice!
[11:14] jktangent: I am most definitely coming over in September to trash the place
[11:15] Guido: we will see about that
[11:15] jktangent: and by trash the place I mean sitting legs crossed and sipping sherry
[11:15] Guido: haha
[11:15] jktangent: discussing the stock market
[11:15] Guido: clearly, I mean what else would we discuss
[11:16] Guido: certainly not poo or such things as flinging said poo
[11:19] jktangent: hmmm...I do like to fling poo
[11:19] Guido: this I know

Born to be an Apple Salesman

Ed: seriously dude, i have such a boner for the genius function on itunes
its amazing
me: I suppose I should start using it
Ed: yes!
have you never?
oh my god
imagine losing your virginity, except it isn't over in 1 second, its over in 25 songs!
me: hahahaha
Ed: and i'm talking condomless
so you know it feels good
me: you should work at the Apple Store

Go to the doctor!

[15:29] RoXyAnGeL: [name redacted] is an idiot
[15:29] RoXyAnGeL: she told me that well this is gross, but she's been having bloody stool
[15:29] RoXyAnGeL: i was like um....you should get that checked out like....immediately
[15:29] RoXyAnGeL: shes like i dont want to
[15:29] RoXyAnGeL: i think i'll just take iron pills and eat a piece of meat
[15:30] RoXyAnGeL: ok...you think a piece of meat will solve your bloody shit?
[15:30] RoXyAnGeL: go to the doctor!

The Gambler

[15:05] mattx: one time i gambled when i was making out with my girlfriend in high school
[15:05] mattx: i thought i was good
[15:05] mattx: she even giggled a little
[15:05] mattx: kept makin' out
[15:05] mattx: then it was time to get in between her legs
[15:06] mattx: i moved about a half an inch and knew it was utter disaster
[15:06] jktangent: hahahahaha
[15:06] jktangent: did you go clean up?
[15:06] mattx: so i instantly stop
[15:06] mattx: and i go "hang on a second"
[15:06] mattx: and as i'm walking away she's like "did you do what i think you did?"
[15:07] mattx: i don't say anything and just b-line to the shitter
[15:07] jktangent: haha
[15:07] mattx: verification process was brief (no pun intended)
[15:07] mattx: worst part was, her parents came home while i was in there
[15:08] mattx: so i come out and i'm just like "i gotta go!!!" and run out to my car and leave
[15:08] mattx: that was the last time i ever shit my pants

Tangent #1

me: anyway, Jason has mucho work to do
he goes to see Star Trek tonight
in IMAX
is inspired to become futuristic journeyman
joins NASA
is questioned about lack of galactic knowledge and education credentials
asks where the bathroom is
sprints to space shuttle when NASA isn't looking
fires all engines to shoot towards Saturn
reaches 7000 feet and realizes low fuel level
plummets to earth
humming Master of Puppets all the way down
dies in legendary explosion
makes world news
looks down from heaven
smiles
Jaime: Where do you come up with this crap?

We all have dreams like this, right?

Anonymous: I had a dream that Kristie Brinkley was going down on me and I didn't tell her I was going to cum. I shot it off in her mouth and she wasn't ready for it so when she pulled away, some of it went in her hair. She was NOT happy.
Anonymous: I knew in the dream, too, that she didn't want me to explode in her mouth

Anonymous: but I didn't care

Really glad it wasn't a gas leak

me: so it's a carbon gas leak, Jaime
soon your face will melt
and then you will get SUPER human strength
live for 10 more years
and then EXPLODE
Jaime: I see
me: actually, it's a dead animal in the ceiling
at least that's the best guess we have so far
the maintenance guy said it's definitely not a gas
Jaime: I wouldn't think it was gas - you guys would be sick by now and I'd probably be dead
me: that, and lighting candles to get rid of the smell would have blown my face off

Sleeping Arrangements

[15:35] icculus: where is everyone staying?
[15:35] jktangent: I have no idea where the fuck anyone is staying
[15:35] jktangent: I am sleeping on the first thing my face hits after 50 drinks
[15:36] jktangent: preferably Lisa's crotch
[15:36] icculus: wow

Pretty Much Every Eagles Season

Renee: it's such a tease
me: it's a tease from the most beautiful stripper in the whole joint
and then you realize she either has a cock or that it costs 14 million dollars to go all the way
Renee: LOL
me: and then you cry
Renee: no it's she has a cock for sure
gotta be that much disappointment
me: well some people might be into that
so maybe it's not that she has a cock, but that on her way to wrap her lips around your junk, she slips off the stage, bangs her head on the table and snaps her neck in your lap
and you're left there, just holding the body
Renee: wow. you didn't have to kill the poor girl
me: this is a metaphor, Renee
that slutbag is my superbowl season
and my superbowl season DIES
every fucking year

Poor Jaime

[10:38] jktangent: Jason is sick
[10:38] jktangent: and he hates working right now
[10:38] RoXyAnGeL: uh oh
[10:38] RoXyAnGeL: do you have what jaime had?
[10:39] jktangent: I did not crap my pants, no

Wii Music

[15:59] jktangent: How's Wii Music?
[15:59] Mike: it's s-i-c-k!
[15:59] jktangent: you haven't even played it yet have you
[15:59] Mike: nope
[15:59] Mike: well, for a second
[16:00] Mike: but then I was playing my wiimote like a trumpet all up in my face
[16:00] Mike: and realized how much I hate that game

Shoulda known he had it covered

Ed: i just rsvped to your stupid stupid thing
ha
just kidding
i mean your happy joy thing
me: I'm sending you the wrong address
so that you show up to someone else's house
Ed: okay thats fine
i'll kill their dog
and take their daughter hostage
in which will happen she is 18
and looking to run away to start a crazy porn career
me: haha
Ed: with someone like me, we will hit the road
make millions
and i will ditch her in a truck stop in Idaho
where i will meet her younger sister a year later and rebirth the cycle
me: what do you do when they run out of younger sisters?
Ed: murder the family
find a new one
god, why do you make it sound like i don't know what i'm doing?
jesus

The Typical Progression

Ed: sounds like fun

and fun = awesome

and awesome = i'm gonna get naked

i'm gonna get naked = bitches gonna get laid
me: I really like the progression of this
Ed: i just farted and it smells bad
hope nobody comes near me

On Ignorance...

me: I swear - I hate stupid people more each day

it's unreal

by the time I'm senile, don't be surprised if I get locked up for beating the shit out of a teenager at a grocery store for forgetting to ring up my coupon for adult diapers

I DO like Sunchips...

[11:10] RoXyAnGeL: Marcelle had to go to a wedding over the weekend and she said it was the most red neck wedding ever
[11:10] RoXyAnGeL: she had to walk down the isle with a guy with a mullet and no teeth
[11:10] RoXyAnGeL: and they served meat balls and sunchips for their dinner
[11:11] RoXyAnGeL: and kentucky fried chicken
[11:11] RoXyAnGeL: i think you and Lisa should follow that

The Movie Theater is Expensive

me: let's sneak in the back
one of us will pay and then open the back door to the theater
just like we're 12 again
Dan: I like it
Then we can dig a large popcorn out of the trash and get a free refill
me: now we're talkin'
don't forget soda cans in your jacket
and your own tub of melted butter
Dan: If you put a stick of butter up your ass, it melts while you walk in.

Driving to the hockey game

[14:29] RoXyAnGeL: did josh tell you i got lost
[14:29] jktangent: hahaha no
[14:29] jktangent: what happened
[14:30] RoXyAnGeL: they gave me an address to punch in to meet them for parking so i wouldn't have to pay, so i typed it in and i call them and i was like i'm here!
[14:30] RoXyAnGeL: and they asked where i was and i was like umm...i'm in front of a gated mansion
[14:30] jktangent: hahahahahaha
[14:30] RoXyAnGeL: and hes like ummm i think you're in the wrong zip code
[14:30] RoXyAnGeL: stupid garmin
[14:33] RoXyAnGeL: i'm glad jaime came back with me cause i probably would have got lost in the garage
[14:35] jktangent: hahaha
[14:35] jktangent: you just need more exposure to driving
[14:35] jktangent: I blame mom
[14:35] jktangent: she is so terrified of you driving anywhere, that you never get any experience doing it
[14:36] jktangent: and as a result, you end up parked in front of a haunted mansion thinking you're going to a hockey game
[14:36] RoXyAnGeL: lol
[14:36] RoXyAnGeL: i should have buzzed the gate and started chanting HOCKEY! HOCKEY! HOCKEY!
[14:38] jktangent: hahahahhaa

The New Puppy

Sarah: you're getting him today you said?
me: yes - leaving in 20 minutes
and bringing him straight home to teach him how to do back flips
Sarah: haha
me: and you'll like his name - we're calling him Koopa :-)
Sarah: lol, what a geek
thats really cute though
me: he's got little legs just like the guys in mario!
and if/when he learns how to breathe fire, he can be called Bowser
Sarah: "if/when" lol
me: I can't wait
he's gonna piss and shit everywhere
it will be awesome
Sarah: HAHAHA
yeah the potty training phase can be really frustrating
thats why god makes puppies so cute - so you don't kill them

A (Frustrated) Boy and His Blob

Jaime: I wonder if in the new Boy and his blob game if you have to get your underhand jellybean throw just perfect or you'll overthrow the bean and that fat fuck will just give you the sad puppy dog face, and not turn into an umbrella like he's supposed to.

Knife Proof

[09:13] Starlight: if you didn't brighten my day, I would see if you've figured out how to be knife proof lately
[09:13] jktangent: wow
[09:13] Starlight: LOL
[09:13] jktangent: again with the stabbing
[09:13] Starlight: I SAID IF YOU DIDN'T BRIGHTEN MY DAY!
[09:13] Starlight: what about that?!
[09:14] jktangent: when are you going to learn that i AM knife proof
[09:14] jktangent: I think that's the real issue here
[09:14] Starlight: hahahaha when you start breaking blades off between your pecs
[09:14] jktangent: touche

Tales From the Clit

Lisa: there are the most obnoxious noises coming down the hallway
me: haha uh oh
Lisa: the room across the hall from me is having auditions for a zombie movie or something
student produced
this morning i heard a girl moaning and i thought someone was having sex in the classroom at 8:30am
me: maybe it's zombies having sex - did you ever think of that?

I don't think that's why I want a Corgi

Kyle: why a corgi
me: so I can train it to bite people's ankles off
Kyle: ah..i thought maybe they just had the loosest a-holes or something

No More Breakfast?

me: I have no idea what to make of this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYqM9-Fj0Pg
me: that woman looks so unhappy

Lisa: that woman looks like she's fantasizing about sausage
me: hahahahaha
Lisa: a very very far away look

I'll probably get a funnel cake

Kyle: what u up to tomorrow night?
me: not sure yet, why
Kyle: there is a beer and food pairing at livewire
me: is that like speed dating for beverages?
Kyle: haha yea i think so
when you're done with the dinner food you get to screw a cake
me: that is exactly what I've been looking for

The Hostage Situation

[11:38] jktangent: I'm kind of a wheeler and dealer
[11:38] jktangent: a real sharp shooter
[11:38] Starlight: uhm - yeah yeah?
[11:38] jktangent: actually I probably suck at negotiating
[11:39] Starlight: lol
[11:39] jktangent: my negotiating skills are as good as my patience to negotiate - which is about 5 minutes
[11:39] Starlight: hahah
[11:39] jktangent: "don't jump off that roof!"
*5 min*
"Fuck, fine do whatever. I'm hungry."
[11:39] Starlight: lol
[11:40] Starlight: i can imagine you in a hostage situation
[11:40] jktangent: hahaha
[11:40] jktangent: "oh please...you're not gonna "kill" a hostage"
"Oh sweet Christ you did it"
[11:40] Starlight: lol
[11:40] jktangent: "okay guys, my bad...my bad - let's take it from the top!"
[11:41] Starlight: hahahaha

On Halloween Costumes

[12:28] icculus: any costume that offers alcohol is a winner
[12:29] icculus: one year, I swear, I'm going as jesus with a bag of wine hooked up to a fake IV and I will ask people to drink of my blood

He had a handlebar mustache

RJ: I'm not going to lie, i don't want to shave it...but i'm in a silver window where my boss is out and I don't have to meet with the government.
me: keep it
then walk in with a slim jim between your teeth, neon arm bands
and ridiculous sunglasses
then get up on a chair and scream "Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeeeeeaaaaaaaa!" as you fly to the ground with an elbow, shattering a co-worker's spine
if you don't get promoted, you'll at least get a bonus

You always need a majority consensus

[15:27] icculus: so sarah and I are throwing our first raging party this weekend
[15:27] jktangent: describe "raging" for me
[15:27] jktangent: like orgy raging?
[15:28] icculus: well like I invited everybody I know
[15:28] icculus: and sarah invited some of her restaurant people
[15:28] icculus: so it may be a ton of people
[15:28] icculus: or, alternatively, nobody likes us and it will be a quiet gathering
[15:29] icculus: but as for orgies
[15:29] icculus: you never know
[15:29] icculus: I have roofies on hand
[15:29] jktangent: that's more of a rape-fest than an orgy
[15:29] jktangent: I've been to both and there are distinct differences
[15:31] icculus: nah
[15:31] icculus: they're just for the uncooperative ones
[15:32] icculus: for an orgy to work, you always need to have a majority consensus

Maybe they didn't hear her...

[14:49] RoXyAnGeL: ugh i hate group projects!
[14:52] RoXyAnGeL: in marine bio we were in groups and none of them talked! it was so aggravating. i was like so how do you guys want to do this? they all just looked at me. i was like ok...do you want to do a poster?
[14:52] RoXyAnGeL: blank stares. then i go, ok, what about an overhead? blank stares. i just like omg do any of you talk? like seriously. so i just went ok, we're gonna do an overhead
[14:52] RoXyAnGeL: so irritating!
[15:21] jktangent: maybe they were all deaf
[15:22] jktangent: they probably all signed to each other after class, "Why did we get put with the angry hearing girl?"
[15:38] RoXyAnGeL: hahaha

I just pooped

[12:22] RoXyAnGeL: i just pooped
[12:23] RoXyAnGeL: after lunch though
[12:24] jktangent: hahahaha
[12:24] jktangent: someone just came by my desk and since I closed your window, it popped up front and center with the first line, "I just pooped"
[12:24] RoXyAnGeL: uh oh