Best gift ever

[14:54] RoXyAnGeL: do you have any ideas for moms birthday?
[14:54] jktangent: the biggest, most awesome pile of rocks ever
[14:54] jktangent: what do you think?
[14:55] RoXyAnGeL: hahaha
[14:55] RoXyAnGeL: i just imagined a dump truck with a bow on it driving up to the house and dumping a pile of rocks on the lawn
[14:55] jktangent: hahahahahaha
[14:56] RoXyAnGeL: happy birthday!

What else can you do at a Lakers game?

Kyle: so i've been doing some thinking, and i've decided that i'm going to punch jack nicholson in the face tonight
me: hahaha
I'd like to know the thought process behind this
i was thinking about his movies. the shining= awesome, batman= awesome, and so on....
then i started thinking about As Good As It Gets
and was immediately filled with murderous rage
me: well how close are you guys at the game?
are you within arms reach of Jack?
Kyle: no we are in the upper level
its good tho cause he wont know its coming
me: So I can expect you naked on national television tonight
punching Jack Nicholson in the face
Kyle: it would never happen that way
i hate bare feet - i would have my socks on, making me not entirely naked
and i'm wearing a hat
me: hahaha

Future Wife's Ring Broke

[12:49] thefool: i actually stole the real ring and replaced it with a fake
[12:50] jktangent: I just bought a plane ticket to Boston to murder you
[12:50] jktangent: please stay where you are
[12:50] thefool: can i go home?
[12:50] jktangent: yea, that's fine
[12:51] jktangent: just don't leave boston
[12:51] jktangent: because you know, that'd be like a huge waste of money on my part
[12:51] thefool: fair enough

House Warming

[11:13] jktangent: congrats on the house, dude! that is awesome
[11:13] jktangent: 12 bedroom mansion or what?
[11:14] Guido: 4 bedroom 2.5 bath
[11:14] jktangent: nice!
[11:14] jktangent: I am most definitely coming over in September to trash the place
[11:15] Guido: we will see about that
[11:15] jktangent: and by trash the place I mean sitting legs crossed and sipping sherry
[11:15] Guido: haha
[11:15] jktangent: discussing the stock market
[11:15] Guido: clearly, I mean what else would we discuss
[11:16] Guido: certainly not poo or such things as flinging said poo
[11:19] jktangent: hmmm...I do like to fling poo
[11:19] Guido: this I know

Born to be an Apple Salesman

Ed: seriously dude, i have such a boner for the genius function on itunes
its amazing
me: I suppose I should start using it
Ed: yes!
have you never?
oh my god
imagine losing your virginity, except it isn't over in 1 second, its over in 25 songs!
me: hahahaha
Ed: and i'm talking condomless
so you know it feels good
me: you should work at the Apple Store

Go to the doctor!

[15:29] RoXyAnGeL: [name redacted] is an idiot
[15:29] RoXyAnGeL: she told me that well this is gross, but she's been having bloody stool
[15:29] RoXyAnGeL: i was like um....you should get that checked out like....immediately
[15:29] RoXyAnGeL: shes like i dont want to
[15:29] RoXyAnGeL: i think i'll just take iron pills and eat a piece of meat
[15:30] RoXyAnGeL: ok...you think a piece of meat will solve your bloody shit?
[15:30] RoXyAnGeL: go to the doctor!

The Gambler

[15:05] mattx: one time i gambled when i was making out with my girlfriend in high school
[15:05] mattx: i thought i was good
[15:05] mattx: she even giggled a little
[15:05] mattx: kept makin' out
[15:05] mattx: then it was time to get in between her legs
[15:06] mattx: i moved about a half an inch and knew it was utter disaster
[15:06] jktangent: hahahahaha
[15:06] jktangent: did you go clean up?
[15:06] mattx: so i instantly stop
[15:06] mattx: and i go "hang on a second"
[15:06] mattx: and as i'm walking away she's like "did you do what i think you did?"
[15:07] mattx: i don't say anything and just b-line to the shitter
[15:07] jktangent: haha
[15:07] mattx: verification process was brief (no pun intended)
[15:07] mattx: worst part was, her parents came home while i was in there
[15:08] mattx: so i come out and i'm just like "i gotta go!!!" and run out to my car and leave
[15:08] mattx: that was the last time i ever shit my pants

Tangent #1

me: anyway, Jason has mucho work to do
he goes to see Star Trek tonight
in IMAX
is inspired to become futuristic journeyman
joins NASA
is questioned about lack of galactic knowledge and education credentials
asks where the bathroom is
sprints to space shuttle when NASA isn't looking
fires all engines to shoot towards Saturn
reaches 7000 feet and realizes low fuel level
plummets to earth
humming Master of Puppets all the way down
dies in legendary explosion
makes world news
looks down from heaven
smiles
Jaime: Where do you come up with this crap?

We all have dreams like this, right?

Anonymous: I had a dream that Kristie Brinkley was going down on me and I didn't tell her I was going to cum. I shot it off in her mouth and she wasn't ready for it so when she pulled away, some of it went in her hair. She was NOT happy.
Anonymous: I knew in the dream, too, that she didn't want me to explode in her mouth

Anonymous: but I didn't care

Really glad it wasn't a gas leak

me: so it's a carbon gas leak, Jaime
soon your face will melt
and then you will get SUPER human strength
live for 10 more years
and then EXPLODE
Jaime: I see
me: actually, it's a dead animal in the ceiling
at least that's the best guess we have so far
the maintenance guy said it's definitely not a gas
Jaime: I wouldn't think it was gas - you guys would be sick by now and I'd probably be dead
me: that, and lighting candles to get rid of the smell would have blown my face off

Sleeping Arrangements

[15:35] icculus: where is everyone staying?
[15:35] jktangent: I have no idea where the fuck anyone is staying
[15:35] jktangent: I am sleeping on the first thing my face hits after 50 drinks
[15:36] jktangent: preferably Lisa's crotch
[15:36] icculus: wow

Pretty Much Every Eagles Season

Renee: it's such a tease
me: it's a tease from the most beautiful stripper in the whole joint
and then you realize she either has a cock or that it costs 14 million dollars to go all the way
Renee: LOL
me: and then you cry
Renee: no it's she has a cock for sure
gotta be that much disappointment
me: well some people might be into that
so maybe it's not that she has a cock, but that on her way to wrap her lips around your junk, she slips off the stage, bangs her head on the table and snaps her neck in your lap
and you're left there, just holding the body
Renee: wow. you didn't have to kill the poor girl
me: this is a metaphor, Renee
that slutbag is my superbowl season
and my superbowl season DIES
every fucking year

Poor Jaime

[10:38] jktangent: Jason is sick
[10:38] jktangent: and he hates working right now
[10:38] RoXyAnGeL: uh oh
[10:38] RoXyAnGeL: do you have what jaime had?
[10:39] jktangent: I did not crap my pants, no

Wii Music

[15:59] jktangent: How's Wii Music?
[15:59] Mike: it's s-i-c-k!
[15:59] jktangent: you haven't even played it yet have you
[15:59] Mike: nope
[15:59] Mike: well, for a second
[16:00] Mike: but then I was playing my wiimote like a trumpet all up in my face
[16:00] Mike: and realized how much I hate that game